Today sucked. My pet mouse died, I was grouchy and to top it all off, I'm failing four classes. I saw my counselor today. She told me I was displaying signs of depression, and said it probably runs in my family. I told her everything, including how two people in my family happen to be suicidal. My mom wants me to take antidepressants, but I don't want to. I want to work through my issues myself. I make my own happiness. No amount of pills in the world could make a person genuinely happy.
These days though, I don't know what being genuinely happy actually feels like, let alone how to be happy, if possible. Maybe you can't make yourself happy. Maybe the feeling just comes when it is most deserved. I see these people who are so content and full of life, and wonder why not me? Why can't I be like them? I find myself becoming more and more envious of those who can just let loose and live their lives to the fullest. I want to be like that.
Here I am, at home, feeling sorry for myself like usual and wondering if I actually have a reason to. Maybe I'm my own worst enemy. After all, I am the one who is never satisfied, even under the greatest of circumstances. Maybe the society I live in isn't the enemy, but rather a test to see if I can make it my own, to change what doesn't work for me.
I ask myself these questions in hopes that the answer will just creep into my mind. I hope I can find a way to really live. I don't want to be one of those people who only exist, too afraid to take a chance. I am too worried about myself...I have pull my head out of my ass to be able to see the world around me. Maybe the key to happiness is to be aware of life, and time passing, but to live everyday true to yourself. Screw the haters, they really aren't worth the time of day!
^-^
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