Out of My Head.

Here I am, staring at his empty text box. Nothing has come to mind. Usually I can just pour my guts out on here, tell just about everything that has been on my mind. Today though, I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. Writing has always been a way to almost come to terms with my demons, and myself. The funny thing is, I never thought I was that good of a writer until I got a blog, and then all the emotions came pouring out. To be honest, I sometimes surprise myself with some of the things I say. It's funny how you can discover a part of you when your not even looking, and believe me, writing is a HUGE part of my life now.

Just Some Thoughts.

What a long, boring day it's been. I went to Friendly's for lunch. I hadn't eaten there in almost a year. It feels good to (almost) be the girl I used to be. It seems though, that there is still something missing, like there is a part of me that isn't quite satisfied yet. I often find myself wondering if I'll ever be happy again. I hope I will be soon. This whole self-esteem issue took away so much more than just my confidence. It ruined body (because I was severely disillusioned), it severed some relationships and destroyed the person I thought I was.

I still find myself unable to do things that would attract too much attention to me, I can't handle the fact that one person may not like me. I know that dealing with someone's low opinion of me is a part of life, but I find it hard to not take it personally, and to know that I am great.

Well, I guess I kind of know I'm great sometimes, but the feeling comes and goes if I think someone is looking at me in a negative manner. My problem is I take everything to heart. I don't know why, I just always have. My psychologist says that people are always going to judge a person based on what they see from the outside, that's just what we humans do now. We're all way too superficial, and that's our nations biggest down fall. Maybe someday, we'll all get some sense knocked into us.

Anorexia Nervosa kills several hundreds of people every year in the United States alone.

If you or someone you know has Anorexia, please visit:

http://proanorexia.livejournal.com/

This a support site. NOT PROANA. 

The blog's author is in recovery herself.

Food For Thought

I think that as long as you see yourself as beautiful, the opinion of your peers shouldn't matter. Sadly though, many people including myself, are easily swayed by the opionions of other people. I find it hard to take my own advide, and I drive myself crazy! I always tell my friends all my thoughts and ideas to help them, but I can't take that advice. In a way, I'm my own worst enemy, and it's really unfair. Every great compliment, every "You're beautiful," doesn't satisfy me. I feel like the person saying that to me is obligated to do so.

I have been struggling with my appearence ever since I can remember. Either I'm too fat, too thin, too short, or too ugly. I really just want to believe in myself. People in school have absolutely no idea the hell I went through over the summer in the fight to become an (almost) normal teenager. I relapsed in August. Ana almost got the best of me. One day, I payed a visit to Sharon (my psychologist), I told her I had been down in dangerland, 89 pounds. She admitted me to a Nutrition Clinic, and that's when I knew I had to change.

People still make comments to me. They say how I went insane, started cutting and starving myself, just to beat her insecurites, and they may be right. However, it wasn't just because of my insecurites, it was because I wanted to feel good enough, and now that I weigh 116, people STILL call me disgustingly thin when...hello, I'M NOT.  So, the overall message here is think before you say something. Words hurt waay more than you might think.

...one more thing


FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
So when is it ever enough? When will we ever accept ourselves for who we are, stop focusing on what we're not?? I think believeing in yourself is the key to happiness, and total confidence starts with you. God, I wish I could change...(!)

NSN Concert Deets (:

NeverShoutNever concert was FANTASIC! We stood in the front row. My friend Simone could have sworn Chris smiled at us, but maybe that's just crazy fans dreaming<3 I got the guitarist to sign my poster, I practically had to beg him...but I feel like being a total burden on him was completely worth it in the long run. I got my wish, Chris did play some of his old songs which included "Sellout" and "On The Brightside," which are some of my favorite songs by NSN. There was definitely a fair share of totally obsessed fans there, I must admit all crazy fans screaming and "I love you" did get extremely annoying, but hey, let them have fun is my thought on it.

So, needless to say, I had a great time. I LOVE NSN.

NeverShoutNever! Concert (Omg)

Omigosh, I am so freakin' excited. This Sunday I am going to a Never Shout Never concert. I am possibly Christofer Drew Ingle's biggest fan. I seriously can't wait, I can't believe the tickets are only like around $30. I feel like getting in at that price is kind of a steal, since Chris is a musical genius.My "friend" and I are wearing our (accidental) matching Never Shout Never Tee shirts.

I kind of hope Chris plays "She's Got Style," "Dare4distance," and "Hummingbird," those are my favorite songs, but since this tour is to promote his new Album Time Travel, he'll probably only play his newer songs, which were greatly influenced by the Beatles. Don't get me wrong, I'm a die hard fan, but I rather prefer his earlier music as opposed to his newer stuff. It's not the same. I don't care though, I think even breathing the same air as Chris could be one of the greatest experiences in my life.

I CAN'T WAIT!
NSN<3

Can't Seem to Figure It Out.

I don't know how to say how I feel. Every time I try to tell Sharon (my psychologist), it comes out all wrong, or I end up fumbling with my words. I guess I feel like I have to impress everyone even though I know I'm the only one I need to satisfy. I'm done trying to make other people's lives better. I've got to spend some time focusing on my issues. If this life you're currently living doesn't work for you, then fix it. Make it work. That's what I've got to do.

I sometimes find myself getting annoyed when people ask me what they can do to help. I know they mean well, but if I wanted someone's help, wouldn't I have asked for it? Yes. I often keep my distance from people that care about me, or I yell at them. It's sad really. A lot of kids would probably love to have parents that are involved in their life, can't say I blame them, but I wish sometimes that I was on my own.

I have always wondered what I would've turned out like if I lived with my grandparents from the get-go. Things are better over there. Less tension in the air makes it easier to breathe, that is...until about six o'clock, and that's when the drinking starts. My grandma drinks too much. Sometimes six or even seven shots a night, though she has trouble admitting it. I'm worried for her, and it makes me depressed because there is nothing I can do to stop her, let alone help.

I look around, and all I see are people who are unhappy with their lives. Everyone seems to be preoccupied with fighting their own internal battles. Why can't we all surrender and go on living in peace? I wish it was that simple.

Ugh :(

Here We Go...Again.

Today sucked. My pet mouse died, I was grouchy and to top it all off, I'm failing four classes. I saw my counselor today. She told me I was displaying signs of depression, and said it probably runs in my family. I told her everything, including how two people in my family happen to be suicidal. My mom wants me to take antidepressants, but I don't want to. I want to work through my issues myself. I make my own happiness. No amount of pills in the world could make a person genuinely happy.

These days though, I don't know what being genuinely happy actually feels like, let alone how to be happy, if possible. Maybe you can't make yourself happy. Maybe the feeling just comes when it is most deserved. I see these people who are so content and full of life, and wonder why not me? Why can't I be like them? I find myself becoming more and more envious of those who can just let loose and live their lives to the fullest. I want to be like that.

Here I am, at home, feeling sorry for myself like usual and wondering if I actually have a reason to. Maybe I'm  my own worst enemy. After all, I am the one who is never satisfied, even under the greatest of circumstances. Maybe the society I live in isn't the enemy, but rather a test to see if I can make it my own, to change what doesn't work for me.

I ask myself these questions in hopes that the answer will just creep into my mind. I hope I can find a way to really live. I don't want to be one of those people who only exist, too afraid to take a chance. I am too worried about myself...I have pull my head out of my ass to be able to see the world around me. Maybe the key to happiness is to be aware of life, and time passing, but to live everyday true to yourself. Screw the haters, they really aren't worth the time of day!
^-^

Same old, same old.

I'm tried of doing the same old thing, yet I can't seem to shake my usual routine. I know what I'm going to do next before I do it. I can even tell when I have a complete lack of ambition to do anything, even before I decide anything.

My Daily Routine (on weekdays):

Wake up at 6:15. Stumble out of bed.
Go downstairs, usually trip.
Have breakfast (Honey Graham Cereal).
Get in the shower.
Sing in shower.
Get out of shower (6:40).
Get dressed.
Brush my hair, and teeth.
DO MAKEUP (7:10-7:25)
-
Arrive at school (7:46).
Go to first class
-
Come home.
Have yet another bowl of Honey Graham Cereal.
Watch whatever is on Starz at the moment (no matter how lame or boring).
Get on computer to blog.
Get on twitter. I've wasted so many hours of my life on twitter...
Go for a walk in the vineyards.
GET MUDDY.
FREEZE TO DEATH.
-
Make my own dinner.
Do homework.
Pick out tomorrow's outfit.
Watch TV Somemore.
Go to bed when tired.

Repeat again and again and again and again.

I'm about to go crazy! I want to switch it up. Be sponatious.
I'm going to make a bucketlist I think. I'll post it soon :)

UPDATE

Things have been crazy lately. I keep blowing off my "friends." I just don't want to hang with them. Even the very sight of them just makes me so angry. They didn't even do anything to me...what's my problem? God, I wish I knew. The world really has a way of getting under my skin, and when I say world, I mean life and people in general. Recently, I have found myself getting more preoccupied with family problems. I haven't heard from, nor have I tried to contact my "boyfriend" in almost two days. I guess I just don't care anymore.

I am always amazed by how some people can live only from a social aspect, and forget all the other things life has to offer. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I actually need to be more sociable. My therapist is always telling me to be confident and walk with my head up, but for me, it is way to hard. I've never been outgoing, nor am I ever going to be. Who am I here to please? My therapist, or myself? Seriously!?

Now here is where things really turn into a disaster. My older brother was having thoughts of suicide. He was in the hospital for what seemed like an entire day. He doesn't know that I know why he was there. My grandma wasn't supposed to tell me, but hey...no one ever said my grandma could keep a secret. So now, things are even worse than before. My brother and my dad are fighting, my mother and I are fighting, and I just really wish I could disappear, or forget everything and buy and ticket to anywhere but this quaint, greedy town. Eventually the memory of me would fade, I'm sure, and everyone would be way better off.

I wish my parents lived in the same house together. I wish things weren't so screwed up right now.
GAH!

#family stress

It's About Time.

I finished my book, finally! "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson, is probably one of the most life-changing books I have ever read. It changed how I see myself, as the beautiful, imperfect creature I am. I have been getting real into self-help books in hopes to expand my knowledge and understanding of the world of psychology. 

I want to help people change their outlook on life. I want to help those who are broken and lost. I know how it feels to be hurt and upset and broken for lack of a better word. I also understand the warped, demented thinking of many mental illnesses. Having and being in recovery from Anorexia-Nervosa can definately change the way you see life. 

I used to think that I was just here to live for myself. There was way too many material things blocking my thoughts on what is real and what is merely an allusion. All this stuff, it's all an allusion. It fills people's heads and gives them this fake perception of what life should be like, luxurious and rich. I believe that we all want to fill a void. Either we are unsatisfied with ourselves, our surroundings, or our life's outcome. Whatever it may be, we want to feel better. 

Instead of trying to fill that void, shouldn't we fix it? Change your life instead of having all this stuff give you fake joy, which is only temporary. All the world needs is less reactive people, and more proactive people. That is what has got this world in such a rut. If we could all stop being critical, try reaching out, and doing things at are more honorable, I really do think we'd all be a little happier.

Love is all we need, and I really do believe that. It's what we were put here for in the first place.

<3

My Lazy Day.

I am sick today. Too sick to go to school,  or so they think. I'm really just alone, and feeling out of place when I'm there. I hate that feeling, it's awful. I really just want to stay home so I can cuddle up under a warm fuzzy blanket and forget my reality. I want to spend a whole day doing absolutely nothing. I think I will start by staying in PJ's all day...yeah, that should work. I will read, be on Facebook and probably kill a whole bag of Cheetos by myself. I haven't had a day like this in so long. I almost don't know what to do with my time.

It also seems though, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about what I will be missing while I'm not at school. I hope it is nothing too important. I guess I should've thought of that before I stayed home...(!)

Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new day to worry about what I missed :)

Anyway, yeah, that's pretty much what will be happening in my life today.
Hope there is someone out there being productive!

Words Can Hurt Them.

I keep hurting someone I love with my big ugly mouth. I've tried to be kind, really. I just can't do it when all they ever say to me is how to measure up. When am I ever going to be good enough for you? I love this person so much but they are just so on-edge all the time, I don't know what to do about it. I'm so lost right now.

I want things to be like they used to be. Three years ago, I was the happiest girl in the world. Carefree, loving and sweet. I'd never say anything to hurt my friends or family, but now it seems I am an awful person.

I never used to be shallow either, but I now also find myself judging my surroundings. I want to be pure and calm and at peace, but it seems nearly impossible for me to be like that right now.

My "friends" don't care either. Sure, they may say you're their "friend" until they find someone that is "cooler" or more "popular" to their standards, and then next thing you know, you're left sitting alone at lunch, partner-less at gym, and alone completely.

Trust me, I know.

I wish I was someone that people envied, but I'm not. I'm just an introverted, friendless loser that can barely find the courage to stand on her own two feet. It's like I'm letting the "rules" of society carry me through life , and I'm too afraid to stand up to conformity.

I just can't do it like I thought I could. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I highly doubt anyone does or ever will.

Becoming New

Is it wrong to always feel the need to stand out? I think in a way I'm being egotistical, but I can't help it. If I was just like everyone else then how much fun would I be?
Answer: Not.
So, I am now making a promise to myself that I will forget what people think of how I look or dress and I will do my own thing!
I will start by blocking out the words of haters.
I'm not intending to make anyone feel less important by completely disregarding their opinion, I just don't think what I do or say or wear should matter to anyone but me.

It's called self expression, and so many people nowadays aren't individuals. They follow the crowd.
So, I ask, what's wrong with breaking the rules of what's acceptable?
I can't wait to make myself new.
I think changing how I see myself will make others see me that way as well.

Fingers Crossed. :x

What's New in the Neighborhood (:

We are going to California in November, and I'm ecstatic! I seriously can't wait. Palm Springs is probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. I will definitely take pictures and post them. Anyways, I just got back from my dads. We had an ok time.

I think my brother is still mad at me for telling on him. He smokes, but he isn't allowed. My dad and grandpa flipped, and now my brother is pissed at me.
It makes me sad because my brother usually tells me everything and I feel like I may have lost his trust. I only told because smoking is something that could potentially harm him. He should be thanking me in reality (ha...yeah right, that will never happen).
My brother is usually my favorite person, but now he barely want to speak to me.
I think I brought this one on myself though.

Ahh...Divorce.

Recently, my parents have been driving me crazy. I feel like they don't approve of any decisions I make, and I can't stand how bitter they are. It's almost like they are so fed up with themselves that they have to make sure everyone else is too.

Not to mention their bitterness towards each other because of their divorce from hell. You'd think after 9 years of having two homes, two bedrooms, two "moms" and millions of boyfriends on my moms part, that I'd be more than used to this set up, but I wish things weren't this way.

Why'd my dad have to cheat? Why'd my mom have to be so insecure and stupid? Why couldn't they just get along?!
It's completely unfair.

I wish I was born into a normal family, with a big beautiful house in the suburbs and lots of friendly neighbors that cared, but it's stupid to dream of such an unrealistic life. People only care about themselves.
My parents divorce has taken so much life out of me. I wish they knew. No, better yet, I wish I could tell them.

:(
Sad.

Question:

What "Ugly" Actually Means

1. Unpleasent or repulsive, esp. in appearance.

2. (of situation or mood) Involving or likely to involve violence or other unpleasentness.

3. Unpleasently suggestive; causing diequiet

4. Morally repugnant

"Ugly" is a term generally used to describe people's physical features. Someone may not have a look that you like, or they may dress a certain way or act a certain way, but if we all have a different idea of what "ugly" actually means...then what does it actually mean?

I think these days, most people look towards the media for social guidance. It's all what the media thinks is "Ugly" or "fat" or "weird," but if we all had our own ideas about whats exceptable, then don't you think that maybe we'd except people more and hate less? I do. I wish we could all just get along. I really do believe love is what will heal this planet, and I also believe it will heal one person at a time.

Have a GREAT day everyone!

Happiness? What's that?

I used to think I had to be perfect. I remember seeing girls who enjoyed their lives and had it all figured out...they just seemed to have their head in the right place. Then I compared them to me. That's when things get complicated. When I think of me, unhappiness seems to always cloud the view of all the great things I actually have in my life. Not to mention a distored self image, which later lands my ass in a nutrition clinic in hopes of starting "better life habits," and they do for the most part, but I have to wonder if it's just me or does everyone feel unsatisfied, even when a total revelation happens and your made new again. Becoming a "better" version of myself should make me happy...but it doesn't. Are we all doomed to grudge? Regret? Be unhappy and unsatisfied with our lives as we know them? 

I have to know if I'm the only one out there who feels alomst completely out of place everywhere i go. Am I the only one with such a wrong way of being?