I'm back!

I came home yesterday. I was at my dads. We did not do as much as usual, but it was still a way to escape from this town and my life as it currently is. My mother is completely opposed to me living with my dad. I have mixed feelings.
On one hand, it might be better because I'd be a much needed (and well deserved) change of scenery. There might also be benefits of my dad being the business administrator of the school I'd attend. On the other hand, I'm certain there is absolutely no way I'd ever get permission from my mother to ever live there.
School has been surprisingly better this month. I have stopped trying to impress people. I just don't care about my clothes anymore. I feel like, if someone can't like me without all the make up and nice clothes, then it isn't worth my time or effort to have a relationship with them. Suffice it to say, I'm learning who my friends are.
Overall, I don't know what I want anymore.

The Life [and world] We Know.

People love to judge a book by it's cover, but hate to read what's inside. I think very few people appreciate the feelings of others. Society is cruel and infuriating. I wish we weren't all so miserable, but I have to wonder if everything we aim our lives towards when we're young all stems from superficial aspirations. We go to school not because we love learning, but so we can get a decent job to make money and live well. I understand that money is what we need to live in this world now, but it seems unfair. We not only are judged by how much money we make, but we feel pressured to spend our money in foolish ways to prove that we are "worthy" in a sense. Who are we trying to fool? Underneath all this stuff, we are all just trying to find answers. 


I think that we are all in pain, and it mostly comes from disappointment in our lives. We as humans have a tendency to always try and be better, but how do we know when we can no longer be any better, and accept that's the way it is? 

Different Parents, Different City, Different Life.

I hate the way this world is turning. I wish life wasn't so difficult, but then again, who am I to say what is should or shouldn't be? Am I worthy of such a thing? The days seem to drag on and on and on, and school seems to never end.

I know this sounds silly, but I sometimes wish I had been adopted into another family at birth. I often wonder what I would be like if my life wasn't so screwed up, if my mother wasn't manipulative and superficial, and my father hadn't of done the thing(s) he did. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, but what if I had never gone through that divorce that left my family so broken? Would I be a better person? Would I be less of a freak? Would I have ever had Ana? WOULD I BE HAPPY?

There is a plus side to all of this shit though. If all I had ever known was happiness, I would be very naive. I'm happy that I know as much as I do, if only I didn't have to learn it the hard way. I don't feel sorry for myself at all, nor have I ever, but sometimes I just wish the world was different. Hell, I wish my life was different sometimes.

The better me would be born and raised in the city. Screw this small town and all its bullshit!
The better me would be strong, emotionally and phyically.
The better me would be smarter, in more ways than one.
The better me would be better, period.

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I wish my mother had fucked Brad Pitt, that way we could be finished in this town, and I'd feel like I had the right to boast about something. Not to mention, Brad Pitt is adorable. That helps a lot too. It wouldn't be much differrent though, my mother already has a "Sugar Daddy."

Yesterday, my mother found out her beloved fiance's "Doctors appointment" was actually him sneaking around on her with another chick.
WORD TO THE WISE:
If you're going to cheat, and you know that your significant other is going to be around, make sure your clearly state where you're supposed to meet and when. If you don't, chances are, you're fuck buddy is going to show up and ask your fiance where you are. This is a sticky situation, trust me.

My mom and me are just sitting there, and then this early thirty-somethng woman shows up at the winery asks where Mark is, and that they have a "meeting" at five o'clock. Little does she know, she is talking to his fiance.
The funny thing of all this is, the woman seemed absolutely clueless as to what this "meeting" was about. She even brought her kids with her. I think somebody was trying to pull a fast one.
Seriously, I highly doubt my mom was born yestersday, but then again...what do I know?

Out of My Head.

Here I am, staring at his empty text box. Nothing has come to mind. Usually I can just pour my guts out on here, tell just about everything that has been on my mind. Today though, I've got nothing, absolutely nothing. Writing has always been a way to almost come to terms with my demons, and myself. The funny thing is, I never thought I was that good of a writer until I got a blog, and then all the emotions came pouring out. To be honest, I sometimes surprise myself with some of the things I say. It's funny how you can discover a part of you when your not even looking, and believe me, writing is a HUGE part of my life now.

Just Some Thoughts.

What a long, boring day it's been. I went to Friendly's for lunch. I hadn't eaten there in almost a year. It feels good to (almost) be the girl I used to be. It seems though, that there is still something missing, like there is a part of me that isn't quite satisfied yet. I often find myself wondering if I'll ever be happy again. I hope I will be soon. This whole self-esteem issue took away so much more than just my confidence. It ruined body (because I was severely disillusioned), it severed some relationships and destroyed the person I thought I was.

I still find myself unable to do things that would attract too much attention to me, I can't handle the fact that one person may not like me. I know that dealing with someone's low opinion of me is a part of life, but I find it hard to not take it personally, and to know that I am great.

Well, I guess I kind of know I'm great sometimes, but the feeling comes and goes if I think someone is looking at me in a negative manner. My problem is I take everything to heart. I don't know why, I just always have. My psychologist says that people are always going to judge a person based on what they see from the outside, that's just what we humans do now. We're all way too superficial, and that's our nations biggest down fall. Maybe someday, we'll all get some sense knocked into us.

Anorexia Nervosa kills several hundreds of people every year in the United States alone.

If you or someone you know has Anorexia, please visit:

http://proanorexia.livejournal.com/

This a support site. NOT PROANA. 

The blog's author is in recovery herself.

Food For Thought

I think that as long as you see yourself as beautiful, the opinion of your peers shouldn't matter. Sadly though, many people including myself, are easily swayed by the opionions of other people. I find it hard to take my own advide, and I drive myself crazy! I always tell my friends all my thoughts and ideas to help them, but I can't take that advice. In a way, I'm my own worst enemy, and it's really unfair. Every great compliment, every "You're beautiful," doesn't satisfy me. I feel like the person saying that to me is obligated to do so.

I have been struggling with my appearence ever since I can remember. Either I'm too fat, too thin, too short, or too ugly. I really just want to believe in myself. People in school have absolutely no idea the hell I went through over the summer in the fight to become an (almost) normal teenager. I relapsed in August. Ana almost got the best of me. One day, I payed a visit to Sharon (my psychologist), I told her I had been down in dangerland, 89 pounds. She admitted me to a Nutrition Clinic, and that's when I knew I had to change.

People still make comments to me. They say how I went insane, started cutting and starving myself, just to beat her insecurites, and they may be right. However, it wasn't just because of my insecurites, it was because I wanted to feel good enough, and now that I weigh 116, people STILL call me disgustingly thin when...hello, I'M NOT.  So, the overall message here is think before you say something. Words hurt waay more than you might think.

...one more thing


FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
So when is it ever enough? When will we ever accept ourselves for who we are, stop focusing on what we're not?? I think believeing in yourself is the key to happiness, and total confidence starts with you. God, I wish I could change...(!)